AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
