I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Your penis caused this!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
