Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
