it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
