I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
