I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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