There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
