On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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