here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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