Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
