I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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