Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
