Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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