I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
