Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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