I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
