After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I AM VODKA MAN
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
