I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
