So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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