I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
