someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
