watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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