I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
