decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
