did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
