you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
