What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
