so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
