oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
