Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
