i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
