You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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