i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize