I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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