I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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