Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
