we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
