My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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