Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
