im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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