FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
