i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I deserve this hangover.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
