Tell her she can't have a vagina
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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