neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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