His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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