I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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