There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
