I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
