I'm sorry my penis didn't work
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
