Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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