Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
