i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
