I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
