my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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