I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
