What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize