U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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