So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
