Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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