Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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