hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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