I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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