i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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