I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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